Why Do I Crave Sex but Feel Anxious When It Actually Happens?(And What That Inner Tug-of-War Is Really About)
If your body wants sex one minute and runs for the hills the next, you’re not alone—and you’re not crazy.
It’s actually one of the most common erotic dilemmas I see in my practice.
That desire you feel? Real.
That anxiety that crashes the party? Also real.
And neither is the problem.
Let’s talk about the nervous system conflict no one teaches us about—and how it’s secretly guiding your sex life.
🧠 Welcome to the Erotic Push-Pull
You fantasize.
You flirt.
You want it—bad.
Then the moment arrives and your body goes:
“Actually… no.”
Cue the shame spiral:
“I’m so confusing.”
“I led them on.”
“Maybe I have trauma I don’t remember.”
“Do I even like sex at all?”
Pause right there.
Your body isn’t sabotaging you.
It’s protecting you—maybe from overstimulation, disconnection, or unprocessed old scripts.
In Sexological Bodywork, this isn’t seen as dysfunction. It’s a pattern. One that your nervous system learned for a good reason.
💥 Desire and Arousal Are Not the Same Thing
Let’s myth-bust this:
Most people assume desire = readiness.
But in reality, there are two different systems at play.
Desire is psychological. It can show up as a fantasy, a craving, even a memory.
Arousal is physiological. It needs the body to feel safe, connected, and regulated.
If you’ve ever craved sex but then couldn’t “get into it” physically once things started, this is why.
According to researchers like Emily Nagoski (Come As You Are), people with vulvas, in particular, tend to have responsive desire—meaning arousal comes after things begin, not before.
But here’s the catch: if your body doesn’t trust the situation—even a little bit—it will shut it down fast.
⚠️ The Role of Erotic Survival Patterns
Let’s go deeper.
When you crave sex but also feel dread, panic, or numbness the moment it becomes real, you’re likely experiencing a learned protective pattern.
Examples:
You flirt to feel connected—but your pattern says actual closeness is dangerous.
You want to be desired—but being touched feels overwhelming.
You get turned on—until it gets too intimate, and your system pumps the brakes.
Sound familiar?
These aren’t contradictions.
They’re survival strategies.
And your body is running them beautifully.
🧬 How the Nervous System Short-Circuits Turn-On
Your body is wired for survival. Period.
If sexual experiences in your past (or even what you learned about sex growing up) included shame, rejection, confusion, or pressure, your nervous system likely created a reflex:
“Sex = danger.”
Even if you cognitively want sex now, your body might still have that reflex on standby.
This creates what I call the Erotic Double-Bind:
The mind says yes. The body says nope.
And your nervous system is left tugging the rope in both directions.
🛠️ So… What Can You Do?
First: know that this is incredibly common.
Second: stop blaming yourself. This isn’t about “fixing” your libido. It’s about understanding your Erotic Survival Pattern.
That’s the unique way your body navigates turn-on, threat, intimacy, and power.
It’s like a secret blueprint. And once you see it, you can work with it instead of against it.
Which is exactly why I created this:
👇
🧪 Discover the Pattern Running Your Sex Life
The Erotic Survival Pattern Quiz helps you:
Identify your erotic coping style
Understand why desire and arousal feel out of sync
Learn what your body actually needs to feel safe, sensual, and turned on
It’s science-backed, soul-honoring, and a little cheeky—because healing doesn’t have to be so damn serious.
You’ll walk away with language, clarity, and a much softer relationship with your own erotic rhythms.
🌀 Final Thought: You’re Not Confusing—You’re Complex
That push-pull you feel around sex? It makes perfect sense.
You’re a body that wants connection—but only in conditions that feel safe.
You’re a psyche that craves intimacy—but only when your system isn’t bracing.
You’re not broken.
You’re ready to understand yourself on a deeper level.
👉 [Take the Quiz Now]
Your body already knows the way. This is just the map.
