đď¸Healing Your Sex Life Isnât About Getting Hornier
Letâs clear something up: healing your sex life isnât about getting hornier, discovering the right kink, or finally finding the perfect toy.
Itâs about expanding your capacityâyour bodyâs actual ability to stay present with sensation.
In this episode, we dismantle the myth that erotic healing is about chasing more stimulation. Instead, Iâll show you how real transformation happens when you become intimately okay with whatâs happening in your body right nowâeven when itâs not sexy, convenient, or pleasurable. Especially then.
If youâve ever struggled with numbness, disconnection, or difficulty reaching orgasmâthis conversation will open up an entirely new way of seeing your body, your emotions, and your erotic aliveness.
đ In This Episode, We Explore:
Why getting turned on isnât about âwanting it moreââitâs about feeling more
What the âwindow of toleranceâ is and how it shapes your sexual experiences
Why your ability to feel pleasure is capped by your ability to feel everything else
How dissociation from emotion also means dissociation from turn-on
What happened when one client screamed at a malfunctioning applianceâand how that led to more arousal
Why nervous system healing isnât cognitiveâitâs about the actual sensations in your skin, belly, throat, and chest
The quiet magic that unfolds when your body is allowed to process, express, and expand
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The DSM-XXX
đ Desire & Somatics Mythos
⨠100+ page reference guide: a RADICAL RECLASSIFICATION of what our culture calls sexual dysfunctionâand what your body knows as sacred. đż
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DSM-XXX: Desire & Somatics Mythos is our 100+ page reference guide for anyone whoâs ever been told their sexuality is dysfunctionalâwhen really, itâs just been misinterpreted.
Inside, youâll find:
⌠Reframings of so-called âsexual dysfunctionsâ like pelvic pain, vaginismus, anorgasmia, through a trauma-informed, pleasure-centered lens
⌠Somatic context for things like low libido, pain, dissociation, and numbness
⌠Radical translations of what your body might actually be saying when it doesnât follow the cultural script
⌠Alternatives to diagnosis culture that honor nervous system rhythms, safety, and truth over performance
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You donât need to get hornier.
You just need space to feel whatâs already there.
And when your body finally feels safe enough to feel it allâ
Thatâs when the real pleasure begins.
đđđż
Full Transcript Here:
ââââHealing your relationship with sex isn't actually about getting cornier, it's about becoming intimately okay. With every single sensation and emotion that you are experiencing right now. Uh, a little wisdom nugget that I share with my clients that often, um, really floors them is that your. Capacity for being with pain is probably going to mirror your capacity for being with pleasure.
Meaning that both of those things have a limit. They have a roof. There's a, there is a limit to the capacity that you have for really experiencing, um, both the pleasure and the pain of your life. And so if you are. Someone that tends right now tends to have this chronic nervous system response of disassociating from your emotions.
Whether it's sadness, happiness, whatever that is actually going to limit, it's going to. Um, you are likely also someone that shies away from pleasure too. This little nugget is something that I often go into when I have people coming in to see me that are having trouble orgasming. And the reason why is because if the reason why is that if you,
if we're, if we think about your window of tolerance. Which is a phrase that, um, Daniel Siegel, um, coined, and he's a neuropsychiatrist and has a bunch of really awesome books out there. Um, if we think about your window of tolerance, which is, which is essentially the. Amount of stimulation that your system can process and metabolize at any given time before you go into collapse or overwhelm or disassociation.
And we all have this window where we can really be in our experience before our system kind of freaks out. So that window of tolerance, let's, let's say it's like a, if we were to create a metaphor for it, let's say it's like a salad bowl, if pleasure and orgasm. Necessitate more sensation than you can hold in that salad bowl.
Then the work that we need to do is actually to very gently and slowly stretch that container so that it can be bigger and it can eventually include pleasure in orgasm and the way that we can do that. Is by creating doable experiences for you to really feel the sensations of your life and not move away from them.
Everything, the fear, the sadness, the pleasure, the happiness, the grief. Yeah, and really feeling them in your body, not as a cognitive exercise, but really letting you feel the sensations of all those things. The tightening of the throat, the rumbling in the belly, the tingling in the hands, everything. So as we create experiences where you can sit with your emotions more and more, and more, that's when you can actually heal your relationship with sex.
Sex is an intensely intimate experience, and so the depth of sensation is going to go so far, far, far down. And so when we tone our systems to be more and more okay with what is happening right now, that's when we can heal more and more our relationship with. Sex, which is why I say that healing a relationship with sex is not actually about getting hornier or fighting, finding the right stimulation or anything like that.
It is about becoming intimately okay. With everything that you are experiencing right now in this very moment. I had a client once that, um, had a pretty. Robust like history of, um, body trauma. And so he had learned, and so they had learned to disassociate from their experience and also to not report it, so to not be telling others how they felt.
Um, and. Not to be too self-indulgent with sharing their experience of their life. And so when they would come into session and I would ask, what's going on in your body right now? Um, this was a, a journey for them to, to feel like it was safe to, to talk about their experience. And so as they had more and more.
Examples of being able to do that in session where they were really going deep into how they were feeling right? Then they started to desham this part of themselves and really feel more and more free to, to come into community and come into intimacy with sharing what they were experiencing at the moment.
And then this very interesting thing happened, um, when they, in between sessions, um. They were home and they were doing one of their household chores, and one of the appliances started acting up and they were actually able to experience the rage of fighting with this stupid little, you know, LED screen.
And they allowed themselves to vocalize it. So there was kind of like a, a scream or a grunt or mo uh, vocalization. And that was an incredibly transformative moment for them because they were feeling the depth of their lives. They were feeling the sensations as they were coming up. And as this was happening in the two weeks between our sessions, they were starting to notice that their, um, their arousal was increasing and that they were.
Having more and more fantasies about becoming intimate with their partner. And so this is something that I see over and over again with my clients is that
not only this piece about being intimately okay with your reality, but also that. Our, our systems are this very logical, um, our bodies are, are this very logical self-organizing system that will regulate itself and is very hungry for new experiences. When you get a little bit of novelty into the system, you, you experience safety in a situation that you've never felt safe in before.
Your body can start to make different decisions given the same old circumstances. So it's not like this. This client decided that they were going to feel something about this household appliance. They just found that they were able to do that and they were, they also started to just find that they were able to, um.
They just, they, they found, they, they were just naturally orienting more and more towards their eroticism and their pleasure because the body is magic. It's complete magic. All we have to do is, um, let it do its thing and create space for it to wiggle through all of the processing it needs to, to get back into that.
